The “F” Word

Here I am, in my second weekend out of five in my YTT teacher training, and we’re all talking about the big "F" word. No, not that "F" word—I did say I was in yoga teacher training, didn’t I? I’m talking about forgiveness.

Man, that can be a bitter pill to swallow. Especially when you feel like you’ve been wronged, and whatever happened really took a toll on you. Some things are easy to forgive—like your dog peeing on the rug or your kid spilling their milk all over dinner after you specifically told them not to put it so close to the edge of the table. Because, after all, you don’t cry over spilled milk, right?

But sometimes, it’s not so simple. Most of my life, it hasn’t been so simple for me. Forgiving others was never the issue—I handed out forgiveness like Halloween candy. I’d bring out my big bucket of grace and shout, “Take all you want!” And you know what? They did. They took all they wanted and then some. They kept coming back until my bucket was empty, and I was empty. I gave it all away, leaving nothing for myself.

So, what did I do with my empty bucket? Instead of refilling it with compassion, I sat in the dark and starved. My body growled with hunger, but instead of recognizing it as a need for self-compassion, I saw it as deserved punishment. I let the same people hurt me over and over again, and I blamed myself for it. I made excuses for their behavior. I justified, ignored, and distracted myself.

Girl, I was good at it. (I was going to write boy there, but I wrote girl because earlier I said man, and I believe in equality.) Anyway, they went on their merry way, snacking on my forgiveness, while I sat and ruminated on what I did to make them treat me this way.

Here’s the kicker: forgiveness is not about them. It’s about you. It’s about me.

As we sat in a circle this afternoon discussing Light on Yoga, specifically the topic of forgiveness, I was taken back to a situation from last year. I had let someone take and take from me for months. And, as usual, I followed my familiar pattern—beating myself up for being too hard on myself, dismissing my intuition, ignoring the red flags. This person showed me who they were over and over again, and I refused to listen. Instead, I found any excuse that pointed toward the light, and I ran with it.

And then, there I was, empty again. I was mad. I was hungry. And guess what? They never even asked for forgiveness. They just realized there was nothing left to take and moved on. And instead of feeling relief, I felt even more anger. How dare they? I ruminated. I lost sleep. It distracted me from the things I loved. That’s when it hit me—even though they were gone, they were still taking from me.

I guarantee I wasn’t taking up their space or energy, but I was allowing them to keep taking mine.

That’s when I decided to take a different path. One I had walked before, but not often enough to know it by heart. I told myself, enough. Instead of continuing to blame myself for not listening to my intuition, I tried a little compassion. I took another bite of understanding—it was warm and nourishing.

I shifted my perspective. I wanted to believe this person’s words instead of their actions. I was wrong. But I’m not always going to get it right. So, I forgave myself. I realized they must have been carrying deep suffering to treat me the way they did. And while I didn’t forgive them, I offered them silent compassion. When my inner critic creeps in, I return to empathy and let the anger float away.

Eventually, I told this person that what they did to me was wrong. That it wasn’t okay. I handed back the heaviness I had been carrying for them. And with that, I was released.

Now, when I think about it, it’s just a fact—something that happened. The emotional grip it had on me is gone. And I know that the more I travel this path, the deeper the grooves will become.

I am grateful to have found this path, and I hope to know it by heart someday.

We all get lost sometimes, but with a deep breath and a full heart, we can always find our light.